i used to want to save the world,
now i’m just fighting to save myself.
do i even know who i am anymore?
so easily i forgot what i was living for.
so easily life got in the way of my Lord.
i’m losing myself in the shuffle.
i’m losing out on life with this struggle.
i remember two winters ago.
poetry was life and i wrote,
someday all those tales do come true.
someday, my world would belong to you.
now i’m losing myself in the shuffle.
i’m losing out on my life with this struggle.
my dreams of peace on Earth and good will,
end the poverty, heal the ill.
my dreams of happily ever after,
and of save the injured from all the disaster.
where did they go?
where did those dreams go?
I remember being and a Hillsong United concert a few years back. Singing along to lyrics so powerful they make you feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. Something like a love song. But really, like a love song that makes you realize that you’ve not done a very good job of loving. Then the realization that love is the most important thing you can do in this life. And then, the sudden tug inside you that makes you want to change the path you’ve been leading yourself along.
I’ve not been the best at loving. I’m not so great at loving God, others, or even myself.
I plan to resolve this. Lord, help me.
Thursday 2/15/2007 10pm
So, I bought this beautiful new journal. I’m not much of a writer and my spelling and penmanship are atrocious (I spell checked that one). Despite my literary shortcomings, I bought this journal.
Today, being the day after Valentine’s Day, I sit in the Harbor House Café in Sunset Beach, CA. Mark this as Day #1 of my journey along some undefined road on my search of only God knows what. Given the theme of the “love month” and the fact that I’m a 20-something female, my recent thoughts have been consumed with ideals, desires, longings, fears, etc. of (what else?) men. Oy ve!
So, I bought this beautiful journal with hopes that one day I’d write something truly profound. Maybe I’ll write something that will rock the minds of 20-somethings in the early 2000’s. Yet, as I continue to sip coffee in this chaotic café, waiting for my intellectual revelation to strike, my mind is still consumed with the ideals of a wonderful, handsome, man. Geesh.
I’ve expressed to a few people that with the amount of time and energy that I’ve put into thinking about men and relationships, I could have used similar intellectual efforts into thinking up something productive. For instance, I could have spent the same efforts thinking up a solution to world hunger, and probably would have solved it some time last week.
I really despise the fact that my thought life is devoted to thinking about relationships with the opposite sex, or rather at the moment, my lack there of. I loathe the idea that I seriously could accomplish something grand if I wasn’t wasting precious oxygen and glucose for trivial, juvenile purposes.
Brittany Stringfellow Otey tells me that I’m “task age appropriate”, which is slightly comforting. But, I don’t want to use my quest through Erikson’s “Intimacy & Solidarity vs. Isolation stage” as an excuse for my thoughts being so consumed. Should I be feeling guilty? If what BSO & Erikson say is true, then there is a possibility that I’ve been designed to have these desires for a husband. I’ve been under the impression that I need to be 100% satisfied with being alone, just me and the big G-O-D. Quite possibly however, I could be perfectly normal & appropriate in my longing for a partner. Is this what Christ has planned for me? Do I not feel 100% complete until I’m with the one God have in store for me? At what point can these thoughts go too far? What is too consuming? Where is that line, have I crossed it?
My room mate Anna & I are starting a book entitled Every Woman’s Battle. It addresses issues surrounding emotional and sexual purity. Here’s the opening verse:
“You stumble day & night… My people are destroyed from lack of Knowledge.” –Hosea 4:5-6
I guess I better start studying.
One huge lesson I’m learning… Keeping my thoughts and desires in check!
“The one who sows to please [her] sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction” –Galatians 6:8
“But each one is tempted when, by [her] own evil desires, [she] is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire is conceived, it gives birth to sin; & sin; when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” –James 1:14-15
Ok, so according to Shannon Ethridge, sowing seeds of emotional & mental compromise leads to reaping a harvest of relational destruction. Guilty!
Some wisdom from Paul,
“So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!… Therefore, prepare your mind for action; be self-controlled… Do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written ‘Be holy, because I am holy’,…Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality.” -1Corinthians 10:12; 1Peter 1:13-16; Ephesians 5:3
Ethridge mentions that a life of “balance & integrity” consists of perfect balance between physical, mental, emotional & spiritual dimensions of our being. Ok, thank you for giving validity to the physical aspect of women’s needs. Now, I have a challenge here! For those of us “waiting” until marriage, it sounds to me that a truly balanced life is really hard to achieve without a spouse. Ok, I understand that I need to make every effort to let God meet these needs. And, I know I need to guard my body, mind, heart & spirit for my husband. So, how do I find this perfect balance before marriage? Is my only hope for true balance and fulfillment to be found in a continued pursuit of Christ with a husband? Am I incomplete without my mate or, is he compliment to completeness? I’m beginning to not understand my own questions… But here’s another… To what extent can I allow myself to connect with a man in these areas before marriage? I know the physical answer is a bit more obvious, but what about the mental, emotional and spiritual? Now, I have a headache. I’ll think about these questions later.
Ok, honesty time… One of my biggest struggles is feeling a need to have attention from guys. Even if I don’t want to “be with him”, I still want his attention. It’s a totally unhealthy, common struggle among women. I really need this out of my heart. Ok, so maybe I can try to go a bit more un-noticed. Now, I don’t mean dressing like and old maid & hiding in dark corners. But a more modest look would help. And, I really don’t need to go around introducing myself to men. If they want to meet me, I should let them take the first step (I thought I already knew this one, but I’m lame and neglected to actually practice it). I’ll try it out for awhile. After all, it’s much easier to resist eating chocolate cake when you’re not sitting right in front of it.
I think my priorities are out of whack. Have I forgotten the greatest commandment?
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it; Love your neighbor as yourself.” –Matthew 22:37-40
Eh, what’s the big deal? It’s just silly thoughts and dreams, right? Wrong! Check out what Paul has to say,
“Everything is permissible -but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible –but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.” 1Corinthians 10:23-24
In my search for “whatever”, or on my journey of “I have no idea”, I need to constantly keep the best interest of other’s in mind. So, no matter how cute he is, smooth talking, or begging me to “kiss him like I mean it“… if I’m not benefiting him in a righteous way, it’s best to keep my distance. And, as far as the modest dressing goes, it’s going to help build my guy friends up a whole lot more than the miniskirts and plunging neck lines. (Sorry, guys… I’ve not been too helpful in the past). And as for my thoughts and silly dreams… Do they honor others, or just meet the needs of my own dysfunctional cravings? Geesh! This figuring out life stuff is hard!
Application pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease!
Ok, Goal Setting time!!
~Keep in check: thoughts, words, emotions, & actions.
~Reflect sincere love for God, others & myself (in that order!!)
~Don’t dress to seek male attention in a seductive manner. (As I’m writing this one I notice the wandering eyes of the guys at the table across from me follow a couple miniskirts).
~Live by standards of love & set a good example in my life.
“Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body [& my mind] & make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” -1Corinthians 9:26-27
~Don’t compare my physical appearance with other women.
~Work on my relationships with my “sisters”.
~Work on my Heart!!!
“The good [woman] brings good things out of the good stored up in [her] heart, and the evil [woman] brings evil things out of the evil stored up in [her] heart.” -Luke 6:45
~Resist temptation!
“Dear friends, I urge you as aliens and strangers of this world, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul.” -1Peter 2:11
Friday 2/16/2007 12:46am… still @ the cafe
A few final treasures as I start to realize the intense work & energy that I need to put in toward pursuing intimacy with God, not another man.
“Who may ascend the hill of the Lord?
Who may stand in His holy place?
He who has clean hands and pure heart.
Who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false.”
–Psalm 24:3-4
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will.” –Romans 12:2
“I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self- discipline.” -2Timothy 1:7
There is something about Jesus that is beautiful to me. He should have to do nothing other than sit back, relax and have people serve and praise Him. Yet, He chooses to interact with us. He chooses to spend His time helping us, improving us. He knows that even with His constant tugging on our hearts that man will still disobey, we will still fail and sin. Yet He continues His pursuit because He loves us so much. My struggle is that I take this for granted. I should be on my knees every day in awe of Him and praising Him. But I’m not. And still, He is patient with me. Even though I am so impatient, He is patient with me. When I fail, He is perfect and displays His perfect love to me. He pours His whole heart out to me and I stomp on it every time I sin. And still, He returns and gives me the whole thing all over again.
He’s so great. I don’t deserve it.
i wrote this poem one day when i was going through a rough spot. i wanted to post this to show that even the people who seem like they have it all together have bad days too. if you’re feeling bummed out, lost, lonely, sad, depressed… there’s light after this season, hope in the midst of sorrows. i found peace, you can too. if you’ve ever felt like this, or do now, find someone you trust that you can talk to. it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to cry. there is a God you cares for you and hurts when you hurt.
things that i can’t say out loud a poem by: jaime rose
How can I make you understand when I don’t even know why I cry?
When my life looks so nice but I’m hurting to die.
How can I make you understand this pain in my mind?
It has no source but its eating away at my insides.
These are the things that I can’t say out loud
Because I’m far too proud
To ever let you see the real me that’s killing me.
I try to be ok
I’d die to be ok.
My face says I’m fine but my souls says it’s a lie.
I try and I try but all I want to do is scream or cry.
These are the things that I can’t say out loud
Because I’m far too proud
To ever let you see the real me that’s killing me.
Logic, intellect, sanity keeps me in line.
My mind tells me I’m too smart to be this blind.
That my reality is beautiful and I’m really fine.
But my heart tells another story of the brokenness that is mine.
These are the things that I can’t say out loud
Because I’m far too proud
To ever let you see the real me that’s killing me.
I hate who I am, this broken thing I’m being
Weakness, fear, pain is the song that I now sing.
I cry to be free of this insanity that is me.
I cry to be free; I’d die to be free.
These are the things that I can’t say out loud
Because I’m far too proud
To ever let you see the real me that’s killing me.
It’s not everyday that you discover a love like this. So passionate, so liberating, so purposeful and life giving. It’s indescribable, and yet here I find myself trying desperately to verbalize the intensity at which I experience this love. My God, my King, my Love, my Lord. Thank you for the life you’ve breathed into me. Thank you for the freedom I find in you. Thank you for the purpose I have as your ambassador. Thank you for the love I experience as your daughter, your princess. You freed me from the constraints of this selfish world. You rescued me from myself, my own disgusting desires of self destruction. How can I show appreciation to such a deserving God, when I am not worthy to call out your name? Is my life enough? Is this heart enough? If I give it all, am I enough? I love you with every inch of my being, every cell that shapes me. My heart beats for your purpose alone. My blood burns to please only you. My soul longs to be yours forever. What will you have with me? Where will you move me? You are my passion and I will follow you. Yes, until death. Yes, lacking conditions. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23
Tell her you think shes cool. Tell her why you think shes so cool. Smell her hair. Talk to her in movie theaters. Pick her up and pretend you’re going to throw her in the river; she’ll scream and fight you but secretly, she`ll love it. Hold her hand and skip. Hold her hand and run. Just hold her hand. Pick flowers from other peoples gardens and give them to her. Tell her she’s pretty. Let her pay if she wants to. Introduce her to your friends as The coolest girl you know. Sit in the park and talk to her. JUST TALK TO HER. Take her to the library TAKE HER ANYWHERE. Tell her funny jokes. TELL HER HAPPY STORIES. TELL HER SAD STORIES. TELL HER YOUR STORIES. TELL HER ANYTHING Tell her stupid jokes. Write poems about her. Just walk with her. Throw pebbles at her window When she starts swearing at you, … tell her you love her. Take her to shows of bands shes never heard of. Hold her hand in the mosh pit. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Call her. Call her back if she calls you. Sing to her, no matter how bad you are. Carve your names into a tree. Get her mad, then kiss her. Give her piggy-back rides. Go see her play even if they really suck, and tell her she was great. Give her space if she needs it. Push her on swings. Stay up with her all night when shes sick. Make up pet names for her, but cool ones, not sappy ones. Teach her guitar. Lend her your cds. write about her. Make her mixtapes. Write her letters. Take her to cool shops, and let her take you to even cooler ones. Just hang out with her. Listen to all the bands she mentions. Don’t tell her that her favorite bands suck. When shes sad, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if shes not saying anything. Buy her ice cream. Let her take all the photos of you she wants. Look into her eyes. Slow dance with her, even if the music is fast, or there’s no music at all. tell her a secret KISS HER IN THE RAIN just kiss her. trust her. love her. be yourself around her. cherish her. . . . and when you fall in love with her… tell her.
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